How to Change Someone – You Must Be the Change You Want to See in the World
Posted on November 30, 2010 by DFHS Article Team
Most of us have read or heard this famous quote attributed to Mahatma Gandhi, “You must be the change you want to see in the world.” Not only a great quote but one that deserves to be explored a little further to understand all of its implication because there is more here than meets the eyes.
What did Gandhi mean when he said, “Be the change?” I suppose that no one could say for sure but we can certainly offer an hypothesis. At first glance, it would seem that he was telling us to become what we would like for others to be, think and do. It does sound plausible, however, what would be the purpose of that exercise and how would it incite others to change?
It is fair to say that most people respond in kind – eventually. The operative word is eventually as is may not always work on the first attempt. If we are nice and loving toward someone, and keep doing it, chances are very high that eventually that person will respond in kind. If we are polite with someone, eventually that person will be polite with us.
That may be so evident as to be an almost trite proposition to offer. However, in practice, how many time have we used that self-evident technique to change others? Are we not much more inclined to try to change others by coercion? I can’t speak for everyone else but I know that this has been my experience.
The problem with trying to change others by coercion is that we are actually taking on the victim stance. When there is a victim, there has to be a persecutor and if we are the victim, the person that we are trying to change automatically becomes the persecutor. Something that most people will reject by becoming defensive and by trying to defend their position. The end result of that approach will be lose-lose proposition.
There is this game that people unconsciously play to get others to change. It’s called the victim, persecutor and savior game. It goes like this. If I want to change you, I will take on the role of the victim and that will make you the persecutor. It’s painful to be seen as a persecutor so, if I press enough in my role of the victim, eventually you’ll give me what I wanted in the first place in order to trade your role of persecutor for the one of savior. I get what I want and you stop feeling so bad.
The stratagem works but in a dysfunctional way. The changes wanted may occur but it will have been obtained through coercion and manipulation. Not a healthy way of conducting a relationship and certainly not one that will sustain growth in that union.
To change someone, feel, think and act like what you want that person to be. Sooner or later that person will reciprocate. It is human nature. We respond to the way that we are treated. Now, the change may not be immediate, but when it does come, it will be permanent. In other words, if you want to change someone, be the change that you want to see.
Is it always easy? Certainly not. But in the cases where a change is really important, as in the case of someone who somehow share a life with us, it’s well worth the effort. And, the reason that it is well worth the effort is that no other method will work. On the surface, it may appear that people can manipulated and controlled. But, that is an illusion. Dale Carnegie said, “A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still.” Carnegie was right.
To change someone, and do it effectively and constructively, follow Gandhi admonition, “Be the change that you want to see.” Not only is it the best way. It’s the only way.
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